Don't Let Me Drown
by The True Fabulous KillJoy
Summary: Caitlin is broken after Ronnie's death, again. She considered the unthinkable to be with him again, can Barry convince her not to take the leap? Might be a 2-shot if response is good. Slight trigger warning for Suicide.


Caitlin knew Ronnie wouldn't have been happy with her right now. He would have been furious. He would also be worried, and gather her into his arms, and tell her that everything would be all right.

But Ronnie wasn't here. Not anymore.

Caitlin was sitting on her bathroom floor, clutching a pill bottle. It had only been a month since Ronnie died, and she was alone again. It almost felt like the first time she had lost him, only this time it was so much worse. This time, she couldn't blame it on the faulty particle accelerator. This was her fault.

If only she had allowed herself to run away with Ronnie.

If only she had gripped Ronnie tighter and not let him leave.

If only she had never gone searching for him.

Yes, she wouldn't know he was still alive, but then at least he would be. They would have eventually found him, but maybe after the wormhole. Barry could have closed it by himself probably, and Ronnie would still be alive.

There was a long list of If Onlys, but it didn't help. She could have screamed, cried, broken everything in her apartment, but it wouldn't help. It wouldn't make her feel better. It wouldn't change anything.

Ronnie was still dead.

No amount of screaming, crying, throwing a tantrum would bring back her husband. She had already lost him once, and it had been horrible. The second time was so much worse.

This time she didn't have the same support. Cisco had been right by her side after Ronnie's death, cracking poor jokes. Doctor Wells had been as supportive as he could be. And she had someone to take care of, to keep her mind off of things.

She had had Barry.

This time she had pushed Cisco away. She told him she needed some time to herself. He believed her, he told her to call her whenever, with what ever. Cisco was such a good friend.

Doctor Wells. Eobard Thawne. His name didn't matter to Caitlin. It was his fault she had lost Ronnie the first time, and the second. If he had just stayed in his own damn time, then none of this would have happened. Okay, it might have, but Caitlin might just have been able to keep Ronnie. Even though Wells turned out to be evil, he was there when she needed him. Now she felt like she didn't have anyone.

She shifted the pill bottle in her hand.

She could open it. She could be with Ronnie again, if there was such thing as an afterlife. But even if there weren't, then she wouldn't have to live without him.

She made to open the bottle, but a buzzing on the floor next to her distracted her. Someone was calling.

Cisco.

She looked at her phone for a minute, and then shut it off. She didn't want Cisco interrupting her. She didn't need him to talk her out of this. She needed Ronnie back, or at least she couldn't live on without him anymore.

Caitlin looked back at the pill bottle in her hand. She could just take a few, and wander peacefully off into nothingness. It would be better than how Ronnie died, he probably died in agony, so this would be better.

She opened the bottle.

A knocking on her front door distracted her from pouring any pills. Cisco would have called again if he was coming over. Doctor Stein was still recovering from the wormhole. She really didn't have any one else.

Except-

"Caitlin, please open up!" Barry called out. He sounded desperate. Barry couldn't know what Caitlin was thinking, could he?

She didn't answer, she just poured some pills into her hand. She didn't take them, she just stared at her hand.

"Cait I know you're in there! Open up!" Barry's voice came again. Caitlin didn't move.

"Caitlin, please! Cisco called me and he sounded really worried. Open up so I can call him a tell him that everything is okay!" Barry shouted.

Caitlin nearly laughed. Everything was not okay. Ronnie was gone, she was alone again, and now she was considering what normally would be unthinkable. Everything was not okay. Nothing was okay.

"Caitlin, I'm coming in!" Barry shouted, finally having enough of her silence. She heard the sound of him getting a running start to try to phase through the door. Caitlin couldn't even be bothered to care. Part of her hoped that Barry would come in and stop her, part of her didn't.

She heard him speed up a through her door, calling her name. She couldn't bring herself to call out. All she could focus on was the limited time to take the pills. She could swallow them all, and maybe Barry wouldn't be fast enough again to get her to the hospital. But she could hid the bottle and pretend everything is great until the pills take effect. She could do that. All she needed to do was raise her hand to her mouth. That's all she needed to do.

"Caitlin." Barry's voice came from the door of her bathroom, snapping her out of her thoughts. Barry looked down at her, his face showing all of his emotions. Fear, desperation, worry, and sadness.

She broke down. She curled up in a ball against the wall, pulling her legs in with her arms, and began to sob. The pill bottle fell out of her hand, and the pills went scattering over the floor.

Not even a second after she had started she felt a pair of arms around her, pulling her into his chest and trying to comfort her. Barry held her tightly, occasionally rubbing his hand down her arm to be comforting.

She didn't know how long she stayed there crying, or even what happened next. All she knew is one minute she was on the bathroom floor crying, and exhausted, and the next she was waking up in her bed, eyes heavy from all the crying.

She sat up, and looked around her room. Seeing nothing was out of place, she realized a voice was coming from the other room.

"Yeah, she's sleeping. I came in and found her with a pill bottle in her hands." Barry said. His talking paused for a second, then "She cried so hard she fell asleep from exhaustion. You were right, Cisco. It's a good thing you sent me to check on her."

Caitlin thought for a moment. Barry was on the phone with Cisco. Cisco had sent him over here after he couldn't get through to her. The reason she didn't pick up was-

Oh dear. Last night came flooding back to her. She had sat on her bathroom floor contemplating taking her own life. Ronnie would have been so disappointed in her.

She was so lost in her own thoughts that she didn't realize that Barry had finished his phone conversation and had returned to her room until he sat next to her on her bed.

"Hey Caitlin. How are you feeling?" Barry asked gently.

"Like crap." She muttered.

"I would imagine." Barry said with a nervous laugh. An awkward silence followed until Barry addressed the elephant in the room. "Caitlin, why would you even consider it?"

Caitlin stared at him for a minute. Barry always showed his emotions easily, so it was easy to see that he was confused, he just wanted to understand why.

"Ronnie is gone again, and this time he isn't coming back." She said softly. "The thought of having to go through that again, this time alone, it was horrible. It was too much."

"Cait, you aren't alone." Barry told her. Caitlin looked at him, he looked like he was about to cry. "Last time, you had Cisco and Doctor Wells to support you. And you had me to take care of. This time, you have Cisco again, but I'm here too. So are Iris, Joe, Doctor Stein, and Mrs. Stein. And you know Felicity would speed over here if you called. You aren't alone in this. We are you're friends, we aren't going to let you down."

Barry wrapped his arms around Caitlin, and she let herself fall into them. He held her up still, supported her. That's what friends do.

"If you ever even consider it, call me. I'll be over in a flash." Barry said. Caitlin laughed slightly at his pun, and wrapped her own arms around him.

She didn't know how long they stayed like that, but she knew that when they finally broke apart, the pill bottle was the last thing on her mind. She had wonderful friends who would do anything for her.

They would support her; they wouldn't let her drown in the loss of Ronnie. They would help her up and support her, as she would for them

Every time she felt lost, or she would feel her mind drifting to Ronnie, she would call Barry. Every time, without fail, Barry would rush over. He always seemed to know if she needed a movie night in or a night on the town with their friends. And every time, Barry would wrap her in a hug, and tell her everything would be alright, because now, it just might be.


End file.
